When will I have peace?

God, why does my life have to be so crazy? Why is it full speed all of the time? I cannot even think straight God. I need a break. Do these sound familiar? Family, work, church, etc., they can all drive you crazy by themselves never mind all together. So in my life I have all of those things pulling at me, eating at me, consuming me. I get to where I feel as though I am treading water with bricks attached to me feet. I cry out to God for change, for relief and then I ask why I haven't received it. I wonder what good would come from this stress and this chaos and why God would not allow me a reprieve. Then one of my co-workers uses their wisdom and says "You are losing your vacation time because you aren't using it. Use it! We can survive without you." Hmm...my guilt settles in. But then other people would be burdened with my work. God why can't I get relief? My co-worker reminds me again and again but I still feel this self created guilt. So again, God why can't I get relief. I have cut out everything I can cut out God. I need relief!

So I think about how I can create relief myself. I try to find things to help me. More tasks that would distract me. It is not working but for the temporary. I am not even making sense. Adding things so that I can have relief? The voice of my co-worker starts echoing in my head "You are losing vacation time because you aren't using it. Use it!" Maybe he is onto something. Everyone else takes time off. So that is what I am doing. I am taking a whole week off of work. I am still just on the weekend (days I already have off) and am already feeling the relief of knowing I don't have to go to work on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday, etc. So God why haven't you given me a reprieve? Oh wait, You have been, but I haven't been taking it. I have been so focused on what I feel that I need to be doing for the world around me that I haven't realized what God has provided for me. Wow, what else might I be missing? Andrew Murray wrote much about how Jesus tells us to abide in Him. So many are consumed by self abiding in their lives (even with good intents) that we forget that God is with us. We forget that God is the creator of the heavens and the earth and carrying our burdens and the burdens of the world is nothing to Him. We are often knowingly carrying burdens that we know we can't handle because we feel we must because somebody has to do it. Don't forget, God doesn't need us at all but rather He wants us all. Jesus says this in Luke 19:40 (NIV) "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."" 

If you step back from life for a minute you will realize that what you view as a priority is not really such a priority. If you are looking for God's work in your life then perhaps you need to stop focusing on your own work in your life. Trust me, God's workmanship is of far better quality than your own. God will provide but you have to be willing to receive. 

How long oh Lord?

For the last 15+ years now I have greatly struggled with the challenges in my life. Although the outer portions of my struggles have changed over the years, the core has stayed the same. Ever since my stroke I have had a huge craving to feel as though things were going my way. Yes, I have had things go well for periods. I struggle as an individual, as a husband, as a father, and as a Christian. I struggle to meet my own standards and at times I feel as though I am struggling to meet other's standards. I look at those around me and wonder why they are not having to struggle with their finances, jobs, or relationships. I wonder to myself how different things could have been had I not had a stroke. I wonder what kind of job I could have gotten had I been able to finish school. I wonder if I would have been a better husband. I wonder if I would have been a better father. I wonder if I would have been a better servant of God.

For the past 3 years or so I have felt what is to me a large amount of financial stress. I believe this hinders me  as a husband, father, and as a believer. So I ask God "How long?". How long will it be until things change? How long until I get a new job or things get better at my current job? How long until we can get out of debt and be self sufficient financially? As I stated above I often feel that had I not had a stroke I would not be in this situation. The truth is of course that I am right, I would not be in this situation. My reasoning is wrong though. Had I not had my stroke I would not have met my wife, had the kids I have, and most significantly I would not have grown closer to God. God would not have become front and center in my life. Would I have been free from financial struggles? Would I have felt that I was a better father? Would I have felt I was a better husband? I have no idea. Those are unanswerable questions. The most important fact is that I would not be where I am in my relationship with God.

John Waller sings a song called "While I'm Waiting". Do I know how long I will need to wait? No I don't, but wait I will do!

Why suffer through loss?

A service is being held tonight for one of my co-workers. One was held for another one of my co-workers less than two months ago. These are two men who were serving God by serving others. This question is asked by many: "Why would we have to lose people who are doing things for God?" I am not as focused on losing these co-workers. I am rejoicing with the fact that they are now with God. They no longer suffer from illnesses. They no longer have to be frustrated with the ways of the world. Is it bad to be living in this world? I was mad at God for a solid year after I was so close to going home but was kept here instead. What made me change? I saw how much more there was for me to do for Him. In Philippians 1:21 Paul says "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (NIV). To be a servant of God is a win win situation. Does that mean that life will be easy and fun? No. Does that mean that serving Him will be easy and fun? No. You will hear me quote Colossians 3:23-24 often but that is because it is so explanatory as to how and why we are to live our lives. This is what is says: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." (NIV). So my co-workers, if they were still with me, I would rejoice, but they are with the Lord and for that I rejoice even more.

Why not a little heads up as to what Your will is?

So last night I had the opportunity to go preach at a little church about 45 minutes south of where I live. Things went well, really well. Much of my thoughts as I road home revolved around whether I am heading in the right direction now or if I am supposed to be pursuing a career as a pastor. I have never gotten past that teenage state of wondering what you are going to do when you grow up. What do I gravitate towards? Well, I gravitate towards things I know I can do. Things I have self confidence in. I have felt this pull though at many points in the last 7 years to become a pastor. I have preached for what must be close to 50 times now if not more. I love preaching and God seems to use it for His glory. But I should continue pursuing my degree though if I am going to do that. I have tried though and had to stop after one year. Now I am trying again after a 6 month break. But I can often struggle with my words. My short term memory is horrible. I struggle to memorize verses. Remember though, I did do well in my year of school. I finished with a 3.75 GPA. So God, are you telling me that if I follow where you lead me and do so with faith that you will get me through it? Perhaps You have been giving me a heads up as to Your will for me. Maybe I just haven't had the faith to trust that still quiet voice.

Last night and then again this morning at work I preached about what a life of faith looks like with Elijah being my main example (1 Kings 18-19:18). Elijah did amazing things when his faith was strong. But even when Elijah's faith was weaker God showed him that He was still working by telling him about the other 7000 believers that were out there. I have managed to not worry about surviving after having had a major stroke over 15 years ago yet now I worry about every little thing out there. I am my own proof that a patient faith will reveal God's will. How quickly I forget. So I guess that the question should go towards myself. Why not accept the little heads up that God gives me about His will? Trust that He will and you will find that He is.

Why Suffering?

So if we are allowed to go through non-enjoyable periods of life even with faith then there is of course the question “Why?”

The answer - Romans 5:1-5 (NIV via BlueLetterBible.org)

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Yes, suffering can be good for us. We can be brought closer to God via our suffering. If we are closer to God then we are more like God. Read those verses again, especially verses 3 and 4. Even if you do not believe in our Creator you can see the value of suffering. Still, this is hard to remember while actually going through suffering. Perhaps then that is why I am writing this blog. If you are going through suffering now then know that as you go through it you are being made a stronger person.

The Beginning

I dream of one day being a writer. My favorite writer as a teen was Hemingway. Life is full of things to write about, especially mine. My passion in life is to be a better servant of God than I was the previous day. It is a struggle to do that and that is what I want to write about on this blog. I have a lot of questions for God. Questions about marriage, parenting, serving, the Bible, my life, etc. That is what I intend to do with this blog. I intend to put these questions forward. I have learned that as life progresses God provides the answers to the questions we ask. This blog is a way that I hope to capture these answers. Through the life of this blog you will learn more about me...I will learn more about me. Hopefully we will all learn more about God. It is He whom I truly desire to learn more about. Learning about me will be a way of doing so as I am one of His creations.