When will I have peace?

God, why does my life have to be so crazy? Why is it full speed all of the time? I cannot even think straight God. I need a break. Do these sound familiar? Family, work, church, etc., they can all drive you crazy by themselves never mind all together. So in my life I have all of those things pulling at me, eating at me, consuming me. I get to where I feel as though I am treading water with bricks attached to me feet. I cry out to God for change, for relief and then I ask why I haven't received it. I wonder what good would come from this stress and this chaos and why God would not allow me a reprieve. Then one of my co-workers uses their wisdom and says "You are losing your vacation time because you aren't using it. Use it! We can survive without you." Hmm...my guilt settles in. But then other people would be burdened with my work. God why can't I get relief? My co-worker reminds me again and again but I still feel this self created guilt. So again, God why can't I get relief. I have cut out everything I can cut out God. I need relief!

So I think about how I can create relief myself. I try to find things to help me. More tasks that would distract me. It is not working but for the temporary. I am not even making sense. Adding things so that I can have relief? The voice of my co-worker starts echoing in my head "You are losing vacation time because you aren't using it. Use it!" Maybe he is onto something. Everyone else takes time off. So that is what I am doing. I am taking a whole week off of work. I am still just on the weekend (days I already have off) and am already feeling the relief of knowing I don't have to go to work on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday, etc. So God why haven't you given me a reprieve? Oh wait, You have been, but I haven't been taking it. I have been so focused on what I feel that I need to be doing for the world around me that I haven't realized what God has provided for me. Wow, what else might I be missing? Andrew Murray wrote much about how Jesus tells us to abide in Him. So many are consumed by self abiding in their lives (even with good intents) that we forget that God is with us. We forget that God is the creator of the heavens and the earth and carrying our burdens and the burdens of the world is nothing to Him. We are often knowingly carrying burdens that we know we can't handle because we feel we must because somebody has to do it. Don't forget, God doesn't need us at all but rather He wants us all. Jesus says this in Luke 19:40 (NIV) "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."" 

If you step back from life for a minute you will realize that what you view as a priority is not really such a priority. If you are looking for God's work in your life then perhaps you need to stop focusing on your own work in your life. Trust me, God's workmanship is of far better quality than your own. God will provide but you have to be willing to receive. 

How long oh Lord?

For the last 15+ years now I have greatly struggled with the challenges in my life. Although the outer portions of my struggles have changed over the years, the core has stayed the same. Ever since my stroke I have had a huge craving to feel as though things were going my way. Yes, I have had things go well for periods. I struggle as an individual, as a husband, as a father, and as a Christian. I struggle to meet my own standards and at times I feel as though I am struggling to meet other's standards. I look at those around me and wonder why they are not having to struggle with their finances, jobs, or relationships. I wonder to myself how different things could have been had I not had a stroke. I wonder what kind of job I could have gotten had I been able to finish school. I wonder if I would have been a better husband. I wonder if I would have been a better father. I wonder if I would have been a better servant of God.

For the past 3 years or so I have felt what is to me a large amount of financial stress. I believe this hinders me  as a husband, father, and as a believer. So I ask God "How long?". How long will it be until things change? How long until I get a new job or things get better at my current job? How long until we can get out of debt and be self sufficient financially? As I stated above I often feel that had I not had a stroke I would not be in this situation. The truth is of course that I am right, I would not be in this situation. My reasoning is wrong though. Had I not had my stroke I would not have met my wife, had the kids I have, and most significantly I would not have grown closer to God. God would not have become front and center in my life. Would I have been free from financial struggles? Would I have felt that I was a better father? Would I have felt I was a better husband? I have no idea. Those are unanswerable questions. The most important fact is that I would not be where I am in my relationship with God.

John Waller sings a song called "While I'm Waiting". Do I know how long I will need to wait? No I don't, but wait I will do!